Becoming Mom

I have found I need an outlet for all the feelings I have right now. I have no idea if anyone reads this blog...this is for me.

We've been home with Asher for one-month. It's been exhilerating, happy, sad and trying all at the same time. It's been the best moments of our lives and the worst all wrapped into a few short weeks. I am reminded of what my mom used to say to me...this, too, shall pass.

When you adopt a baby they need you. Period. There is no question mark, no time before that they can remember well. Immediately they look to you as mom because you are it. Not so with a 4 year old. They've lived a life completely apart from you. They've developed thoughts and actions that you've had no control over, no guidance and no say about.

Since Jan. 2005 I have looked over Asher, ever since I knew he existed. I could not make any decisions regarding him, I could not do anything that could begin to bond us as mother and son in his eyes. But for me, that bond began without his knowledge, without his physical presence in my life, with every fiber of my being. Every ounce of me desparately needs him to understand how much I love him and need him in my life. I need him to understand how much I've prayed for him to become my son.

But, he looks at me with empty eyes that do not see my longing. He tests my resolve and pushes me away. He disrupts my perfectly ordered life and makes me take notice. What is it he needs, really needs, to see my love for him? How is it he can shut me out and completely draw me in at the same time?

I am Asher's mother. It was written in the book of our story long before I was even born. We will love and understand each other. I will capture his heart over time.

Awesome Kids

Last night, right before Sam went to bed, he came back to our room because he wanted to share that on Monday night he really prayed really hard for TA and then, the next day, it came...which of course, Philip and I said, "Why didn't you pray real hard sooner??" We had a good laugh, but after he left the room I sat there thankful for our precious children.

I cannot believe how each day progresses with Jacob & Sam becoming more and more like young men and not my little boys. Jacob keeps assuring me that Anna will be fine because he will take care of her...and he will. He is very much the "oldest" child with wisdom and caring beyond his age. He is also gracious and excited that his part of the adoption will be to stay home with Anna so Sam can experience personally Asher's adoption.

Sam amazes me more everyday. Gone is the clingy three year old who did not want to be left at preschool. Gone is the child that used to start every sentence with "I want" God used Sam's heart to begin the journey to Asher. He stayed the course of his conviction until all of us agreed to see ifAsher's adoption was the plan for our family. It taught me to never discount the heart of a child in very big matters.

Anna is precious. We continually talk about Asher's adoption and the fact that Mommy, Daddy & Sam all will travel to China so we can complete his adoption and bring him home. We go to the map and talk about how far of a trip it is. We talk about Zhuzhou and how we all traveled to adopt Anna. She will repeat bits and pieces of her story, mixing in Asher's, too. Then, with an understanding that tears through my heart, she'll say, "Thank you, Mom." To which my tear choked voice will add, "No, thank you for letting me be your mommy."

So, this morning, before I begin working on cleaning and packing lists, p.o.a and medicine lists, I must pray. Thank you, God, for the awesome privilege to be Jacob, Sam, Anna and soon Asher's mom. I know you chose me to be their mom and I want to be the best one possible. I am humbled and honor that you would answer our prayer to add Asher to our family. Be with us over the next few weeks as we prepare for this journey and separation. Give us your peace, comfort and grace. Use us to show Jesus to everyone we meet. Amen.

Day 107 - TA TA FOR NOW!

Yes, praise the Lord, it's official! We received our travel approval on Tuesday, August 29th, 107 days after logging in our paperwork and 14 months after starting our adoption journey! How awesome is that!

Now we wait to hear more news of when we'll actually travel...but just knowing that we have the big piece of the adoption puzzle in our hands is a wonderful relief! And, Mr. Asher will be home in time for Thanksgiving...and what a Thanksgiving it will be!! Thank you, God, for the miracle of our children!

Day 105

We're still waiting and it looks like in may be October before we travel because of holidays and trade shows. Below is the prayer I've been praying every morning.

Hebrews 11:1 = Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not yet see. We trust you Lord, that you will complete that which you started, that which we hope and long for.

Psalm 37:4 = Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Because we understand that you greatly love us, we can trust you. In the security of your love we feel safe to delight ourselves in you because we know you give us the desires of our hearts and you know that desire is to bring our children home.

Jeremiah 31:16-17 Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded, declares the Lord. They [your children] will return from the land...so there is hope for your future, delcares the Lord. Your children will return to their own land! Therefore we do not fret, worry, frustrate or grow impatient, for we know you work all things together for our good.

Philippians 4:6 = Be worried for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication WITH THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God. We believe that you have heard our prayers, and there is nothing left to do but give thanks and praise to the one who makes our dreams come true!!!!

AMEN!

101 Days

Ugh. That's the only word to describe the current number of days we've waited for TA. Ugh. UGh. UGH! I actually have to create a new "Countdown to Asher" calendar because back on day 70 I refused to put any number larger than 100 as a possible waiting time. Guess I was wrong.

In other news, Jacob and Sam are back to school. Poor things. They are exhausted and grumpy. Can't say that I blame them. 6:15 is early...too early for people who not morning people. This would include Sam and myself.

Day 94

Last night during my dreams Asher was calling MaMa. It was a very distinct, madarin voice gently calling for his MaMa. Every room I entered his voice would come from a different place. He was just out of reach. I never saw his face, but know it was his voice.

So, this morning I'm thinking about how all my children have very distinctive ways for calling for me. Jacob's been MOM! forever. Sam prefers a quieter Mom, sometimes with dramatic emphasis Mo-Om. Anna uses Mom-Mom a lot, and can do a rapid fire "mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom!" Mommy is out the window with her since her brothers rarely use it and she wants to be just like them. And, by the tone of their voice and the way they call, I can tell if they will be asking, complaining or upset by something and need to talk.

I'm so proud of my title, Mom. Nothing could ever compare to being Jacob, Sam, Asher & Anna's MOM! Mo-OM, MaMa & Mom-Mom. I am so blessed!!

With Six You Get Eggroll

Day 93

It does not look like there will be news this week. All the boards are quiet regarding TA. It's okay, I'm busy thinking of all the things that need to be done for school.

We will be busy with cross country & school events for the next several weeks, plus it's time to return to choir (yea!) and start Bible studies. This will be good for all of us.

Philip and I have decided to schedule breakfast & devotions with Jacob & Sam every morning. That means I will actually get up at 5:45...oh my! But, it's hard getting time to be with just them...and they are growing up so fast. We need to keep intentional about spending time with them and finding out how they are, really. I've been guilty of letting our TA wait consume me this summer...I hope to change that.

Oh, parenting is such a tough balancing act! Am I doing enough? Am I smothering? Do I need to do more? Memories of my high school years have been back in full force recently and I never want my children in the position I was as a teenager. Lord, please help me guide our children through this time.

Day 90

Here we are at 90 days. Can you believe it? But, I remain strangely calm. This is good news for the family! I think I have finally found out that I am not in control *gasp* and that's okay! Here's to remaining calm for the rest of our wait!

Day 76

We bought new luggage today for Sam & Asher. Our adoption education is absolutely complete. I have all the clothes for Asher and a few toys to pack. I've made my packing lists. We've been working on travel contingent plans if we travel after Labor Day. We're signing our updated wills next week, our vaccination affidavit and the poas for Jacob and Anna. Is there anything we're missing?? Oh, yea...that's it...we're missing TA...just a minor piece of the puzzle. BUT....

Rumor has it TAs may arrive Monday or Tuesday. Our TA may or may not be included...so we wait, we wait, we wait...with our lamps totally ready!!

Day 71

Well, a little tidbit of news. There are many TAs to be issued. Lots, huge amounts, hundreds! But, the CCAA just moved, so the processing is delayed a bit. So, we'll continue to wait. In the meantime, try this little diddy:

(To the tune of Mr. Postman)

Please Mister Director, look and see(Oh yeah)
If there's TA on your desk for me
(Please, Please Mister Director)

Why's it takin' such a long time(Oh yeah)
For us to adopt that son of ours
There must be some word today
From our Asher so far away

Please Mister Director look and see
If there's TA, TA for me

Day 70

Is this not the sweetest little face? We've received a couple of great photos this week, but no TA. I'm all for no photos this week and TA tomorrow!

Today I had to laugh as our pastor preached from Matthew 14:22-23 and referenced that we need to "get out of the safety of our boat" and into the water with Jesus. My mind kept saying, "I'm out of the boat! I'm out of the boat and ready to step into this new adventure!! Can we go now?" Then my mind wandered onto to other subjects such as, My Father in heaven must think I sound like my children...are we there yet?..why?..when?...are you listening?

Patience has never been my strong suit. And Asher's adoption has been a lesson in patience to beat all. But, I remain strong in knowing that yes, God my Father knows my heart, Philip's heart and Asher's heart. He's preparing our family to unite in His absolute perfect time. Just as the entrance of Jacob, Sam and Anna, there is a perfect time for Asher to be adopted by us...and that day will happen soon...and just like Jacob, Sam and Anna the moment will be beautifully and majestically executed in His presence. I will rest in that knowledge and fully trust that all will be well.

Friends and family, know how much I love all of you and appreciate your patience with me at this time. I truly am a hormonal expectant mom and I am blessed by your calming presences!

Day 67

I'm blogging from my email account today as a test for when we're in China.
I've been reading that actually logging onto the blog is difficult in China,
but you can update via email. So, here's a test in hopes that we will soon
be sitting in Hebei province with Asher and giving daily updates!

What to do today? Jacob & Sam have cross country, then will help their aunt
paint, so I'm effectively free after 11:30. I'm thinking of escaping
somewhere with Anna...away from the phone...away from the computer...away
from all things Travel Approval related. I think I'm coming to accept that
it will be probably a month or more before we have travel approval in our
possession. So, might as well do something productive today instead of
waiting by the phone!

I'm inserting a random photo...just to see how it works via email ;-) It's
our dog, Cooper, and he looks pitiful...kind like me!

Day 66

So, I haven't posted because, basically, I've been fowl, crazed and insane waiting for news...any news regarding our travel. Then, I'm upset with myself because I absolutely know that God has a plan and the perfect time and as usual, I need to be patient. It's that ole "head knows" but "heart doesn't get it" scenario. And it's not just me...Philip's trying to figure out when to schedule meetings for work...but knows making it may be futile because we could be in China next month!

This morning I get up (entirely too early thanks to Philip's alarm and Anna's bad dream) and get all my morning routines completed...coffee, paper, general web surfing. Yesterday I remember telling Amy what my devotion topic for today was, but I had forgotten, so this morning I get a laugh...Today's devotion: "A Sound Mind Part I" (From K-Love's On the Right Note devotion booklet). It's a quick & easy read, but the only part that really hits me is the "sound mind" and how mine is not right now. But, God knows that, is laughing with me and knows that I'll soon be back to my "normal" soon.

So, family and friends, bear with me...my sound mind has left me for the moment soon to return. I'll try to stop grumping and enjoy the rest of the summer with Jacob, Sam & Anna and learn that my lists of "to-dos" will just need to be put aside until the timing is right.

Please keep us 5 families waiting for travel approval in your prayers. We keep hearing "any day" yet any day has yet to arrive!

Day 60 and Grumpy

Okay, I'm admitting it. I'm extremely grumpy. Philip's been out of town since Monday...Jacob and Sam have kept me busy with cross country practice...Anna is whiny...I need to organize our garage for a garage sale next week...AND no TA in sight.

So, half the battle is admitting the problem , so now I'm going to go work on changing my attitude instead of eating pounds of chocolate and going to bed. As Scarlet said, "Tomorrow's another day." Unfortunately, I still have several hours left of today!

Day 55

I'm in that "expectant mother" no sleep phase...basically I lie in bed going over the"stuff" in my mind that need to be done to prepare everyone for Asher's arrival. Finally, after spinning my wheels for several hours, I decided to pray for God to prepare Asher for our arrival and fell right asleep and dreamt about our Adoption Day. I'm guessing the "stuff" was not why I was up...praying for my son was. Lesson learned (I hope!) and I'll turn to prayer much quicker tonight!

Philip and I were certified in Infant/Child CPR this morning as part of our adoption process. I found it hard to watch the scenarios of a baby/child getting hurt and needing help. I'm such a mom! But, it is good to know that we really know how to perform CPR if the need arises. I pray it won't. We have just a few more chapters of our last online adoption class and then we'll be done. Then...for those of you who really know me...I'll cross it off my list and be on to the next task! Surely list making (and completing) is a spiritual gift??

Oh, Ash, the stories your siblings will tell you about your mother!

July 7 - Day 53

I woke up this morning to discover an email from Tim Baker about the package I've sent for Asher. He'll get to open it up after we receive TA. It's a photo album of us...all of us, including the big Bench Christmas photo and the Thanksgiving photo with Chris & Angie. We also sent some dinosaurs & stickers, so he has toys from Dad & Mom. Tim mentions he spent the afternoon with "Ash" yesterday day and he is such an awesome kid. Oh my heart! I hope later today we're rejoicing with TA!

On another subject...is it possible that Jacob and Sam are growing an inch a day? Really, I feel like I'm shrinking, and it's not in my hips! I am simply amazed at how much these guys eat. I am also rejoicing that they have such giving hearts. During the course of their day they both spend time playing with Anna and cannot wait to be big brothers to Asher. (They also spend time teasing Anna...and probably can't wait to do that to Asher, as well...we truly are "family")

Many random thoughts in my head today...expectant mom syndrome. Feeling much more calm and confident today...and very blessed. Psalm 40:8 I delight to to thy will, O Lord, it is written on my heart.

Here's our family...from left to right: Philip, Papa Izzy, Jacob, Anna, Heather, Sam and Cousin Lauren in front.

Day 52 and Counting

Okay, we made it to day 52 of waiting for TA (travel approval) before really beginning to count the days. That's pretty good. We know that all will happen in God's perfect timing, but it's getting rough.

So, we will continue one day at a time until we get the call. Then we'll move onto an adoption day full of emotion and love. We'll become acquainted with our son in China and bring him home to meet all of his loving family.

Oh, if only we could reach out at hug him tonight. My mama's heart just needs to see his face and hear his voice...