I have found I need an outlet for all the feelings I have right now. I have no idea if anyone reads this blog...this is for me.
We've been home with Asher for one-month. It's been exhilerating, happy, sad and trying all at the same time. It's been the best moments of our lives and the worst all wrapped into a few short weeks. I am reminded of what my mom used to say to me...this, too, shall pass.
When you adopt a baby they need you. Period. There is no question mark, no time before that they can remember well. Immediately they look to you as mom because you are it. Not so with a 4 year old. They've lived a life completely apart from you. They've developed thoughts and actions that you've had no control over, no guidance and no say about.
Since Jan. 2005 I have looked over Asher, ever since I knew he existed. I could not make any decisions regarding him, I could not do anything that could begin to bond us as mother and son in his eyes. But for me, that bond began without his knowledge, without his physical presence in my life, with every fiber of my being. Every ounce of me desparately needs him to understand how much I love him and need him in my life. I need him to understand how much I've prayed for him to become my son.
But, he looks at me with empty eyes that do not see my longing. He tests my resolve and pushes me away. He disrupts my perfectly ordered life and makes me take notice. What is it he needs, really needs, to see my love for him? How is it he can shut me out and completely draw me in at the same time?
I am Asher's mother. It was written in the book of our story long before I was even born. We will love and understand each other. I will capture his heart over time.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Awesome Kids
Last night, right before Sam went to bed, he came back to our room because he wanted to share that on Monday night he really prayed really hard for TA and then, the next day, it came...which of course, Philip and I said, "Why didn't you pray real hard sooner??" We had a good laugh, but after he left the room I sat there thankful for our precious children.
I cannot believe how each day progresses with Jacob & Sam becoming more and more like young men and not my little boys. Jacob keeps assuring me that Anna will be fine because he will take care of her...and he will. He is very much the "oldest" child with wisdom and caring beyond his age. He is also gracious and excited that his part of the adoption will be to stay home with Anna so Sam can experience personally Asher's adoption.
Sam amazes me more everyday. Gone is the clingy three year old who did not want to be left at preschool. Gone is the child that used to start every sentence with "I want" God used Sam's heart to begin the journey to Asher. He stayed the course of his conviction until all of us agreed to see ifAsher's adoption was the plan for our family. It taught me to never discount the heart of a child in very big matters.
Anna is precious. We continually talk about Asher's adoption and the fact that Mommy, Daddy & Sam all will travel to China so we can complete his adoption and bring him home. We go to the map and talk about how far of a trip it is. We talk about Zhuzhou and how we all traveled to adopt Anna. She will repeat bits and pieces of her story, mixing in Asher's, too. Then, with an understanding that tears through my heart, she'll say, "Thank you, Mom." To which my tear choked voice will add, "No, thank you for letting me be your mommy."
So, this morning, before I begin working on cleaning and packing lists, p.o.a and medicine lists, I must pray. Thank you, God, for the awesome privilege to be Jacob, Sam, Anna and soon Asher's mom. I know you chose me to be their mom and I want to be the best one possible. I am humbled and honor that you would answer our prayer to add Asher to our family. Be with us over the next few weeks as we prepare for this journey and separation. Give us your peace, comfort and grace. Use us to show Jesus to everyone we meet. Amen.
I cannot believe how each day progresses with Jacob & Sam becoming more and more like young men and not my little boys. Jacob keeps assuring me that Anna will be fine because he will take care of her...and he will. He is very much the "oldest" child with wisdom and caring beyond his age. He is also gracious and excited that his part of the adoption will be to stay home with Anna so Sam can experience personally Asher's adoption.
Sam amazes me more everyday. Gone is the clingy three year old who did not want to be left at preschool. Gone is the child that used to start every sentence with "I want" God used Sam's heart to begin the journey to Asher. He stayed the course of his conviction until all of us agreed to see ifAsher's adoption was the plan for our family. It taught me to never discount the heart of a child in very big matters.
Anna is precious. We continually talk about Asher's adoption and the fact that Mommy, Daddy & Sam all will travel to China so we can complete his adoption and bring him home. We go to the map and talk about how far of a trip it is. We talk about Zhuzhou and how we all traveled to adopt Anna. She will repeat bits and pieces of her story, mixing in Asher's, too. Then, with an understanding that tears through my heart, she'll say, "Thank you, Mom." To which my tear choked voice will add, "No, thank you for letting me be your mommy."
So, this morning, before I begin working on cleaning and packing lists, p.o.a and medicine lists, I must pray. Thank you, God, for the awesome privilege to be Jacob, Sam, Anna and soon Asher's mom. I know you chose me to be their mom and I want to be the best one possible. I am humbled and honor that you would answer our prayer to add Asher to our family. Be with us over the next few weeks as we prepare for this journey and separation. Give us your peace, comfort and grace. Use us to show Jesus to everyone we meet. Amen.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Day 107 - TA TA FOR NOW!
Yes, praise the Lord, it's official! We received our travel approval on Tuesday, August 29th, 107 days after logging in our paperwork and 14 months after starting our adoption journey! How awesome is that!
Now we wait to hear more news of when we'll actually travel...but just knowing that we have the big piece of the adoption puzzle in our hands is a wonderful relief! And, Mr. Asher will be home in time for Thanksgiving...and what a Thanksgiving it will be!! Thank you, God, for the miracle of our children!
Now we wait to hear more news of when we'll actually travel...but just knowing that we have the big piece of the adoption puzzle in our hands is a wonderful relief! And, Mr. Asher will be home in time for Thanksgiving...and what a Thanksgiving it will be!! Thank you, God, for the miracle of our children!
Monday, August 28, 2006
Day 105
We're still waiting and it looks like in may be October before we travel because of holidays and trade shows. Below is the prayer I've been praying every morning.
Hebrews 11:1 = Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not yet see. We trust you Lord, that you will complete that which you started, that which we hope and long for.
Psalm 37:4 = Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Because we understand that you greatly love us, we can trust you. In the security of your love we feel safe to delight ourselves in you because we know you give us the desires of our hearts and you know that desire is to bring our children home.
Jeremiah 31:16-17 Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded, declares the Lord. They [your children] will return from the land...so there is hope for your future, delcares the Lord. Your children will return to their own land! Therefore we do not fret, worry, frustrate or grow impatient, for we know you work all things together for our good.
Philippians 4:6 = Be worried for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication WITH THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God. We believe that you have heard our prayers, and there is nothing left to do but give thanks and praise to the one who makes our dreams come true!!!!
AMEN!
Hebrews 11:1 = Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not yet see. We trust you Lord, that you will complete that which you started, that which we hope and long for.
Psalm 37:4 = Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Because we understand that you greatly love us, we can trust you. In the security of your love we feel safe to delight ourselves in you because we know you give us the desires of our hearts and you know that desire is to bring our children home.
Jeremiah 31:16-17 Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded, declares the Lord. They [your children] will return from the land...so there is hope for your future, delcares the Lord. Your children will return to their own land! Therefore we do not fret, worry, frustrate or grow impatient, for we know you work all things together for our good.
Philippians 4:6 = Be worried for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication WITH THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God. We believe that you have heard our prayers, and there is nothing left to do but give thanks and praise to the one who makes our dreams come true!!!!
AMEN!
