Becoming Mom Part II

After 17 years of marriage and four children I finally feel worthy of Mother's Day. I know, shouldn't I have felt that after giving birth to our oldest son 15 years ago? Definitely should have felt it 15 months later when son #2 arrived! What about the moment our daughter was placed in my arms in a stifling hot civil affairs office in Hunan, China January 4, 2005? Maybe it was the moment when son #3 walked into the office of LFCV on September 17, 2006? No, none of these times did I ever feel completely and totally worthy of a Mother's Day Celebration.

Who knew that it would take four children for me to become the mother I now know I am meant to be? Who knew it would take being a conspicuous family and countless questions from total strangers about our Asian blessings that would finally make my "Mama Bear" instincts feel real. Maybe it's the teenage funk that's led me to the feeling of true motherhood. Maybe it is that mother-daughter bond that is so precious that led me to finally feeling like a mom of worth.

But, I think what did it, what really tipped the scales for me were three little words: "I Like Mom" They were written on the outside of my Mother's Day Gift Bag by our son, the one I have struggled with the most. When he met me he had no use for a mom. His demands and tantrums tested me to the very limits. He spent the first three months kicking, hitting and screaming at me, physically bruising my arms & legs...and emotionally bruising my heart. But now, he shares, "I Like Mom" and it makes my heart sing! I am like Sally Field, repeating the fact that he likes me, he really likes me.

Saying "I love you" came easy to this child. He used it as a tool to manipulate people for his needs. He is quite bright and quickly assesses the person so he knows how to get what he wants. But God placed me in his life and charged me with becoming his mother. I could not be his mother if I had not mothered Jacob, Sam & Anna first. As a matter of fact, I would have been woefully inadequate!

So, I have arrived. I am a mother worthy of Mother's Day. And I could have never made it to this point without my four beautiful gifts from God and my fantastic husband. And I thank them for giving me a beautiful, wonderful day of love and food. You are why God created me.

Elijah's Heart

Little eight-year Elijah has captured my heart as he undergoes heart surgery in China. This little boy's smile and brilliant eyes are in the back of my mind and the top of my heart.

He's also given me the opportunity to share about an outreach that is so important...loving our orphans and finding them a family. This little boy has a family somewhere and I look forward to watching God plan his journey to them....where ever they may be.

Elijah has also opened a teachable moment with my little ones. When telling Asher about Elijah and the necessary surgery, he was instantly concerned because he would need so many shots. Adding Elijah to our prayers each night and then receiving updates on the success of his surgery has been a blessing. Asher knows where Elijah lives and who is taking care of him. He is empathetic towards the situation and is learning that God is with Elijah and taking care of him.

Thank you, God, for Elijah and all that you have planned for his life. And, thank you for my four blessings and the opportunity to be their mom.

Time to Blog Again

I cannot believe how much time has past since my last post, but I am happy to report I feel much better than that day! I do find that I'm just so tired, trying to keep up with four children, but oh, I really do love it and them. They are such a joy to me. I cannot imagine doing anything else with my life.

I'm going to add some photos and then plan on actually posting on a regular basis from here on out. We have moved to our new home and feel so blessed. I think about the past year and all God has given us. It's been a wonderful year. Challenging at time, yes, but with mainly filled with overflowing blessings.

Becoming Mom

I have found I need an outlet for all the feelings I have right now. I have no idea if anyone reads this blog...this is for me.

We've been home with Asher for one-month. It's been exhilerating, happy, sad and trying all at the same time. It's been the best moments of our lives and the worst all wrapped into a few short weeks. I am reminded of what my mom used to say to me...this, too, shall pass.

When you adopt a baby they need you. Period. There is no question mark, no time before that they can remember well. Immediately they look to you as mom because you are it. Not so with a 4 year old. They've lived a life completely apart from you. They've developed thoughts and actions that you've had no control over, no guidance and no say about.

Since Jan. 2005 I have looked over Asher, ever since I knew he existed. I could not make any decisions regarding him, I could not do anything that could begin to bond us as mother and son in his eyes. But for me, that bond began without his knowledge, without his physical presence in my life, with every fiber of my being. Every ounce of me desparately needs him to understand how much I love him and need him in my life. I need him to understand how much I've prayed for him to become my son.

But, he looks at me with empty eyes that do not see my longing. He tests my resolve and pushes me away. He disrupts my perfectly ordered life and makes me take notice. What is it he needs, really needs, to see my love for him? How is it he can shut me out and completely draw me in at the same time?

I am Asher's mother. It was written in the book of our story long before I was even born. We will love and understand each other. I will capture his heart over time.