Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Becoming Mom

I have found I need an outlet for all the feelings I have right now. I have no idea if anyone reads this blog...this is for me.

We've been home with Asher for one-month. It's been exhilerating, happy, sad and trying all at the same time. It's been the best moments of our lives and the worst all wrapped into a few short weeks. I am reminded of what my mom used to say to me...this, too, shall pass.

When you adopt a baby they need you. Period. There is no question mark, no time before that they can remember well. Immediately they look to you as mom because you are it. Not so with a 4 year old. They've lived a life completely apart from you. They've developed thoughts and actions that you've had no control over, no guidance and no say about.

Since Jan. 2005 I have looked over Asher, ever since I knew he existed. I could not make any decisions regarding him, I could not do anything that could begin to bond us as mother and son in his eyes. But for me, that bond began without his knowledge, without his physical presence in my life, with every fiber of my being. Every ounce of me desparately needs him to understand how much I love him and need him in my life. I need him to understand how much I've prayed for him to become my son.

But, he looks at me with empty eyes that do not see my longing. He tests my resolve and pushes me away. He disrupts my perfectly ordered life and makes me take notice. What is it he needs, really needs, to see my love for him? How is it he can shut me out and completely draw me in at the same time?

I am Asher's mother. It was written in the book of our story long before I was even born. We will love and understand each other. I will capture his heart over time.